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Thursday, December 11, 2008


That's how I feel. My head is swirling a little too much and I feel close to drowning yet never so more alive. Sigh. I need out of my head. I need into my body. I need into my spirit. I need into my heart. I feel so many things yet can't tell the truth from the lies.

I have a crush. That sucks cause I know she ain't into me. Yet i knew that nothing would happen between us the moment I laid my eyes on her in The Accident Gallery over 2 years ago. I just can't help thinking she is delicious. I don't think that's my problem anyway. Or at least not entirely my problem. There's something else going on here. It's a mystery. Well, not really. But kinda. I know that my spiritual self is troubled. I want to believe so many things but can't. I know there is a truth bigger than you or I or anything breathing out there but I forgot how to touch it, how to speak to it, how to breathe it.

Anyway, in my search, in my longing, I have been reading books and creating art like a mad fiend. I'll share the art someday, but I'll tell you the books now: 'Something More' by Sarah Ban Breathnach. I don't know where I got this book, it just appeared in my collection not too long ago. I though it would suck, but it didn't. Not entirely anyway. the book is obviously aimed for women in their forties and fifties as if the search for more only becomes apparent then. That assumption annoys me. The other 2 assumptions that annoyed me are: all women are mothers and all women are straight. She talks way too much about getting a man. Not that I don't like men, I do. They are luscious and fab. But so are women. I like to keep my options open in that arena. And the whole kid thing, ugh. To be perfectly honest the only kid I truly like is my niece Thea. But she is pretty exceptional. She is 6 and has a mohawk. Truly. She does. And she is an artist. Takes after Aunt Kati! But other kids I am not so much into. I am good at pretending I like kids, even the kids are fooled. But I don't really like them. They zap my energy. OK, back to the book. Ban Breathnach relies quite heavily on quotes to make her point, but I don't mind that. I now have a sourcebook of kick ass quotes. And the truth is, what she does say about this 'something more' we all search for resonates with me. The other book I just bought. So I can't go dissecting it for you just yet. Titled 'The Red Book' by Sera Beak, it is described as a "deliciously unorthodox approach to igniting your Divine Spark'. Sounds pretty rad to me. I will update you later on whether or not this radness is fact or fiction.

Anyway, so this is where I am at today. Crushed out on someone not interested and spiritually searching. You may think the 2 are unrelated but do not be fooled. I'm not.


Amy L Sargent said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Amy L Sargent said...

you are awesome, kati . . . for so many reasons. the first in a long list being that "discombobulation" is one of your blog tags.

i agree . . . i hate those assumptions about women, too. i am pretty "in control" of my destiny at the ripe old age of 37, i am NOT the mothering type, and i really hate that straight thing. i am straight, but so much baggage goes with that label. you oughta try out "wife." that's even worse. lol!

crushing is good for the artistic soul . . . keep on crushing!

CattyCat said...

Spirituality and the heart are one and the same to me. That is why I am solo. I've never found myself attracted to a person I connect with spiritually who in turn is attracted to me. Just hasn't happened, and you are right, the author missed something. Seeking of wisdome is not a late life thing. I began when I was about 22 years old and have never really stoped building on it.

Who ever she is, it is her loss, I'd say.

Connie said...

Your spiritual self is NOT troubled my dear friend. No. No. No. It is your mind that is troubled right now...your spirit is alive and flourishing, happy and directed, and patiently waiting for you to wade through the muddy waters your mind is creating.

Art is a great life jacket to get you through these times. Reading spiritual books helps alot too. But most especially, allow yourself to feel what you feel, but not get wrapped into thinking too much about the whys and whats. If you find yourself doing this...throw in a "how"--"how am I feeling?"--"how do I want my life to look like?", "how will I know that I am living through spirit?" Asking yourself how brings you back into being--while whys and whats tangle you into a web of thought.

You have all the answers already. HOW do you release them?

Peace & Love.

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