That's how I feel. My head is swirling a little too much and I feel close to drowning yet never so more alive. Sigh. I need out of my head. I need into my body. I need into my spirit. I need into my heart. I feel so many things yet can't tell the truth from the lies.
I have a crush. That sucks cause I know she ain't into me. Yet i knew that nothing would happen between us the moment I laid my eyes on her in The Accident Gallery over 2 years ago. I just can't help thinking she is delicious. I don't think that's my problem anyway. Or at least not entirely my problem. There's something else going on here. It's a mystery. Well, not really. But kinda. I know that my spiritual self is troubled. I want to believe so many things but can't. I know there is a truth bigger than you or I or anything breathing out there but I forgot how to touch it, how to speak to it, how to breathe it.
Anyway, in my search, in my longing, I have been reading books and creating art like a mad fiend. I'll share the art someday, but I'll tell you the books now: 'Something More' by Sarah Ban Breathnach. I don't know where I got this book, it just appeared in my collection not too long ago. I though it would suck, but it didn't. Not entirely anyway. the book is obviously aimed for women in their forties and fifties as if the search for more only becomes apparent then. That assumption annoys me. The other 2 assumptions that annoyed me are: all women are mothers and all women are straight. She talks way too much about getting a man. Not that I don't like men, I do. They are luscious and fab. But so are women. I like to keep my options open in that arena. And the whole kid thing, ugh. To be perfectly honest the only kid I truly like is my niece Thea. But she is pretty exceptional. She is 6 and has a mohawk. Truly. She does. And she is an artist. Takes after Aunt Kati! But other kids I am not so much into. I am good at pretending I like kids, even the kids are fooled. But I don't really like them. They zap my energy. OK, back to the book. Ban Breathnach relies quite heavily on quotes to make her point, but I don't mind that. I now have a sourcebook of kick ass quotes. And the truth is, what she does say about this 'something more' we all search for resonates with me. The other book I just bought. So I can't go dissecting it for you just yet. Titled 'The Red Book' by Sera Beak, it is described as a "deliciously unorthodox approach to igniting your Divine Spark'. Sounds pretty rad to me. I will update you later on whether or not this radness is fact or fiction.
Anyway, so this is where I am at today. Crushed out on someone not interested and spiritually searching. You may think the 2 are unrelated but do not be fooled. I'm not.