Pause

It's funny how decisions we made oh so long ago can come back to haunt us. Recently my ex lover Ryan landed a job work for the county's IT department. Also working there is a man I will call P. P and I were lovers for about a year a few years back. I fell hard for him and his little boy good looks. Unfortunately, he was and still is married--with children. I never thought I would have an affair with a married man but one can never the predict the choices you will make when lust hits you square between the eyes. I last saw P over a year ago though I continue to have sporadic email contact with him. A week or so ago Ryan asked me to go with him to his departments Christmas party. His current girlfriend couldn't go due to her work schedule and he didn't want to go alone. (Sidenote--girlfriend knows and didn't care that Ryan invited me.) After I agreed to go I realized there was a chance P would be there, and if he was there his wife and kids could also be there (this was a family affair type of party). I cracked a few jokes about tormenting him with my presence but I think the joke was on me. I dressed to the 9's and I did take perverse pleasure in the look of sheer terror on P's face when he saw me walk in the door. But then standing a few people behind him in the buffet line he turned and winked at me and I swear I felt my heart breaking like it did when he decided to end our affair. His little boy looks like a miniature version of him and his daughter obviously takes after his wife, who, while no beauty queen, did remind me of Dar Williams. I watched his kids play with the toys Santa gave them and I watched their mother, who came and sat by Ryan and I, watch them with her greedy mother eyes. I think this was all too much for P because I saw him insistently urge his family to leave after a short time. And I am so glad he did leave because I am left feeling melancholy and sad at what once was and what was never a possibility of being. Afterall, during our entire affair I never had delusions of P leaving his wife for me. He was adamant that no matter what he felt for me it wouldn't happen. I thank him for that, for saving me from that delusion. But tonight I am remembering his laugh and the sound of his voice in my ear and the smell left on my skin after being with him and my heart aches.